My last weekend as a dialysis patient

This was my last weekend as a kidney dialysis patient. Its very strange to type those words.
I'm still a little in disbelief that this Thursday, a kidney will be flown in from New York and be my lifesaver.

Yesterday, Brian and the kids and I drove to Cape Girardeau to help out with a service project for The Mission Continues. There were over 150 volunteers and we got a lot of work accomplished. It was fun to drive around in my old "stomping ground." That's pretty much where I grew up.

After we were sufficiently covered in black paint (please note Phoebe's shirt in the photo...) we headed back to St. Louis to Brian's parents house where we visited with his sister Lynn, in from K.C. and his other sister Shelley and their families. It was a nice relaxing evening - its always fun to watch and listen to the cousins playing - they get along really well and like spending time with each other. I was pretty tired, though and pretty much crashed when we came home.

Today has been a truly lazy day - for me anyway. I just couldn't find any energy today, so I have pretty much laid around all day. I sure hope that my new kidney will bring with it the energy to do everything I want to do. I can't wait to actually have the energy to keep up with Brian and the kids. That is one of the 1,456 things I'm looking forward to.

These next few days will go by really quickly. My mind has been wandering to those nervous and anxious places - asking all those "What Ifs" that I keep trying not to think about. I'm starting to get really nervous about the surgery itself, which is a little silly given that a) I've been through this before and b) I've been through ALOT of other surgeries and illnesses, so this shouldn't be anything to get nervous about. I think its just the "anticipation" of the pain and struggle. My boss, Eric Grietens talks about that is his book - about the fact that many people let the fear of something consume them rather then the actual thing they should be fearful of. He talks about when he was in Navy Seal training and they had been through several days of Hell Week and they were lined up on the beach and watching the sun set. The leaders started screaming at them about how they were going to have to run miles and carry heavy sacks and logs. Eric talks about how at that moment, when all they were doing was watching the sun set, many of his fellow trainees dropped out. Not when they were actually running, or battling the ocean waves in a swim or completing drown proofing. They quit while watching the sun set. Because they were letting the fear of things to come consume them.
I've used this anecdote alot in the past few months since I read Eric's book. Its helps me place my fear of things in their rightful place. Recognize your fear and what you are afraid of - let it in.
So I'm letting the fear in and trying to control it.

Love and Kidneys,
Emily